So I Married a Sleepwalker and Talker

Honeybun will probably kill me if he finds out I posted this one here, but since he doesn't read my blog I don't have anything to worry about. On second thought, he said I don't mention him very much. Here you go Honeybun, a whole blog devoted to you...

Last night Honeybun and I go to bed at 11:00. He falls asleep really fast and starts breathing funny- long inhales, quick exhales. I've been there before- he's gonna start talking. Fast forward an hour and a half. Honeybun starts talking. Not really any words, just uh-huhs, okays and a bunch of mumbles. The talking isn't anything unusual, he does it about once a week. (I guess he doesn't get to say all he wants while he's awake, so he has to talk while he's asleep.) The clock reads 12:47 a.m. I'm awake by now kicking Honeybun. Usually I'll kick him, he'll roll over and the talking stops. Not so much last night. I kicked and Honeybun got out of the bed. He stumbles around the bedroom and headed towards the bathroom in the hall. Honeybun flips on the bathroom light and the bathroom fan light. Then he flips the bathroom light off leaving the fan light on. More rapid light switch flipping and he leaves the bathroom without using it. He takes three steps down the hall to "his room," turns on the light, looks around and walks back into our bedroom. I am sitting in the bed watching all of this happen wondering what's going on. This is how the conversation goes:

Me: "What are you doing?"
HB:"I'm going to the bathroom." (It's important to note he says this like I am the dumbest person in the world. I should know he's going to the bathroom.)
Me: "You didn't go to the bathroom, you just turned on the lights."
HB: "I'm going to the bathroom, the cleaning crew was in there. I have to go to this bathroom." Yep, we have a cleaning crew that comes in at midnight and cleans his bathroom- doesn't everyone?
Me: "Okay." If it wasn't so strange I would have laughed.
HB: (Walks into my bathroom, turns on the light, turns on the fan. Then turns off the light, turns the fan off, turns the light and the fan back on and then turns the light off leaving the fan on and shuts the door. Yes, he is peeing in the dark in my bathroom. Scary, huh? Toilet flushes, door opens and he walks back out.)
Me: "Are you okay?"
HB:"I had to go to the bathroom."
Me: "Okay." (I'm thinking at this point he's going to come back to bed. How wrong I am.)
HB: (Walks into the hall bathroom and turns on the shower. I follow him. He walks past me like he doesn't even see me and goes toward the living room. He comes back empty handed and walks towards the spare bedroom.)
Me: "Where are you going?"
HB: "I'm going in there." (points to the spare bedroom)
Me: "Are you going to sleep in there?"
HB: "Yes. I keep talking to you. I don't want to keep you awake." Very important sentence- he knows he talks in his sleep.
Me: "Are you going to take a shower?"
HB: "NO?!"
Me: "Then why is the shower running?"
HB: "Because I went to get some water."
Me: "Oh, okay. Honeybun, I'm worried about you, look at me and tell me you are okay. Are you asleep?" (I read somewhere you aren't suppose to wake up a sleepwalker, you're suppose to walk them back to bed. Hello- Honeybun is a lot bigger than me. If he doesn't want to go back to bed, he isn't going.)
HB: No answer, just a "you're stupid" look. He walks back by me, lays on his side of our bed and falls directly back to sleep.

Good times at the Honeybun household. Stay tuned.

Promoted to Vice President of Midnight Hauntings.